Protected: Props in Print 2

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The Bitter and the Sweet

The article I mentioned in the previous post included a full photo shoot with my awesome breast surgeon. She is really terrific and I’m so glad she chose me to help with the article.  The photo shoot was a great experience. Plus, it’s the first time in ages I’ve been photographed with my clothes on and my head in the shot. LOL! 

However, the nipple tattooing was NOT a great experience. I went into it thinking that of it as the final step in a long and arduous experience; closure. It fell far short. The nurse or tattooist or whatever she is had only the slightest idea of what she was doing and I’m left with terrible results. I kept thinking it would look better after a few days, but after a week, I expressed concern with my breast surgeon. She said I was right to be concerned — they didn’t look right and that I should call my plastic surgeon and get an appointment as soon as possible. So, while Joe is very kind and considerate, I’m mortified and even physically uncomfortable. Fortunately, I see my plastic surgeon, Dr. S, next week. He’s such an awesome doc, both in his craft and as a person, so I know he’ll have a solution.

Meanwhile, the boobie drama continues. (sigh)

Props in Print

A local journalist, Anne Block, has written an article on my experience, especially as it relates to my experience at the Breast Surgery Center at Allen Texas Health Resources. I will let you know when and where it’s published.

Also, tomorrow I get tattooed! Finally! It’s been six months. I can’t wait!

Clean Up Crew

More cutting and poking today to fix some of the places where the tissue on my body didn’t make it. All is well, just very sore. I’m so lucky to have great doctors and husband. I will elaborate on the procedure when I’m less fuzzy. Feel your boobies today, girls.

Catharsis, Chaos and Contemplation

These three things describe my recent weeks. They have occurred simultaneously and independently throughout and still describe my current state.

My doctor, whom I visited a couple of days before New Years, was pleased with the result of his most recent work. It’s always hard for me to tell because I can’t see beyond the stitches, scars, and swelling.  He can see how it will evolve, though, like any true artist.  Joe, of course, pretends not to see the ugliness and for that, I am so very grateful. The doctor has scheduled an appointment for February to discuss the “clean up” which will involve some fat grafting to my chest, scar scouring (he used a medical term, but I’ve forgotten it), and final mammalia rendering.  I still look like Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. Only now, it’s after Christmas and I am ready to put this all behind us.

For New Years, we went to my small, quiet hometown in Arkansas for my 20 year class reunion. It was wonderful to see so many old friends. Because of Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with many of them — what a blessing. We had a lot of fun catching up. There was a lot of love among us because so many have been through a lot — devastating car accidents, loss of loved ones, marriage, divorce, babies, grandbabies, and so much more. We experienced a lot of emotional “cleanup” ourselves. Additionally, I was able to reconnect with a family I have unofficially adopted to be my surrogate mother and sisters and my estranged blood sister and nieces, as well.  That was harder, because my sister isn’t well and I feel as though I should step into a maternal role with her. I can’t do that – we’re in our late 30s and have our own children. I can be her friend, though. I can share the loss of our family with her, but not for her. I can let her know she’s loved, as I know I’m loved.

I attempted to go back to work on-site this week. Three hours on the road each day and a full day sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a loud, stressful environment proved overwhelming. I haven’t managed stress well at home, much less at a place where I can’t go hide and just cry or meditate through it. It makes me feel so weak that I struggle still. Hormones? Medication? The ongoing discomfort? I don’t know. On the second day, my manager figured out that I wasn’t doing well and he sent me to work from home for the remainder of the week. I am SO grateful, especially since the current cold snap makes everything hurt, even in places I don’t have feeling anymore. My workplace may be a stressful environment, but it employs some compassionate people and they’ve been very good and patient with me.  That makes me want to work harder and better for them.

Speaking of work, though, the incidents of the past year have definitely made me realize that as much as I want to do a good job, I do not want to BE my job. Life is short — it’s so cliché, but life really is short. My family and I have to be my top priority now and always.  No one ever said, on their deathbed, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office.”  I’m working hard, but I’m living harder.

So I’ll leave you with that. I’m finding peace in places and with people I never thought possible.  My family is my greatest gift, my husband is my hero, and my friends have continued to lift me up.  When love is your top priority, you can do anything.

What Was I Thinking?

Joe warned me. He was gentle but he did try to guide me in a different direction. The surgery to construct mamillia (nipples) was Wednesday…two days before Christmas. I didn’t think it would be that big a deal. Just some more plastic surgery magic using scalpels and sutures. Bit more to it than that. I have to wear lots of gauze and no bra, so I am lumpy and unsupported. Very ugly in the blousy area. It’s also more uncomforable than I expected. What was I thinking? Plus, it will be three months before I can get the color tattooed on. I’m glad to be alive, but I’m tired of this.

Christmas

As I sit and whine about how much my arm hurts from where the hospital took blood this morning, I’m reminded of all the people who will be spending their holiday (perhaps their last) in the hospital this year.  I appreciate the offers of prayers, but ask that you use them for people who need them more.

I love you all. Merry Christmas.

Christmas Gift

My next surgery is December 23. Who knew nipples would take three hours? I’m pretty happy about finally getting to this stage. Not happy about it’s proximity to Christmas, but I’d rather do it now than wait anymore. Without them, I feel not quite real.

Further Down the Road

Six weeks later…

I’ve lost 13 pounds so YAY for that. Also, I got the final two drains out two weeks ago. I can’t begin to express how much better it feels not to try to fit those tubes and bulbs around clothing. I still can’t stand jeans longer than an hour, but I’ll get there. Also, I can take a bath!  FABULOUS.

Oh, it was great to discover that I actually went UP in bra size. Yeah — I had enough fat to make those girls into D cups. LOL!  And that’s just fat, no silicone or saline anything. It’s all organic.   My belly is flat, too, but my butt didn’t shrink one little bit. Go figure.

Dr. St gave me a lecture on trying to do too much yesterday so I stand reprimanded. I periodically get out of the house to get lunch or pick up a prescription. For the most part, though, I’m home-bound.  I get so tired, even when I don’t leave the house. The doc won’t let me go back to work until after Thanksgiving and then, only part-time. Unfortunately, that’s not what our third-party HR group wants to hear. (Please keep us in your thoughts — my job is very important.) Even new moms can get more time than that these days.

It isn’t hard to stay busy — I love to read and I have a million sewing and writing projects started that I need to finish.  Also, I have to get up and move frequently, even though finding that sweet spot between not-to-much and not-to-little is sometimes challenging. It’s easy to overdo it, but if I get too sedentary, it causes other problems. I guess that’s the same for everyone, right? Sadly, it also means that I missed taking Miranda to a Mavs game with tickets she earned at Hoops Camp; I missed my granddaughter’s birthday party; I will be missing Taylor and Beau’s first wrestling meet this weekend; I missed two Halloween parties as well as taking my grandkids trick-or-treating. Most of Christmas comes in the mail this year, as well — do you realize how much shipping prices have gone up? Anyway, my point is that everyone has had to make a lot of sacrifices, not just me and Joe. I’m so grateful for my amazing family and their kindness. I also have a fabulous group of friends. No one goes through this alone. 

This past Saturday, I started having a lot of chest and back pain. It felt like a cracked rib or acute muscle pull. By Monday, I was at Dr. St’s office who ordered immediate x-rays, then to the emergency room According to the x-ray, there was fluid on my lung and they had to make sure it wasn’t a clot.  It wasn’t, but the family was worried anyway. It makes me so sad that I cause so much worry for them.

It turned out to be that my left lung partially collapsed again and then filled with some fluid. That’s what caused the pain. If not treated, it could’ve led to pneumonia, but there was nothing about which to worry — Joe keeps a close eye on me. So last night, I was at the emergency room, but I was home the same evening. The yucky part is that I awoke this morning with a red, swollen face and itching all over my upper body. Apparently, I’m allergic to the dye with which I was infused for the CT scan. Benadryl didn’t even touch it! I was red and hideous and itchy.  Joe called all my doctors and ended up taking me to my PCP where I got a shot in the booty with a steroid, plus a prescription for more. I still itch and hope relief comes soon. When I feel like complaining more than this, though, I think of those I’ve known and loved who weren’t as lucky as I.  Also, I look down at my pretty new boobies.

On the flip-side…

Surgery was two weeks and one day ago and I’m only now lucid enough to get back to here to update you all. Since it’s kinda late, this first post will be short, but I’ll be back online regularly now. Thanks for your patience. More than that, thank you to those of you who kept me and my family in your thoughts throughout this ordeal.

In summary, the surgery took a total of fourteen hours. The surgeons removed my breast tissue, harvested the fat from my abdomen, out of which new breasts were created. My belly button was cut out and repositioned to accommodate the new shape of abdomen.  Everything was sewn up neat and tight.  Although it went well, some things occurred I hadn’t counted on: they had to remove a section of rib to get to an important artery. Also, my lungs partially collapsed during the surgery, but I’m told that’s common in such a long procedure. The next week, I was in ICU, then got to come home on Saturday, the 26th. Since then, I’ve been seeing the surgeon, physical therapist, and home health nurse weekly. There is no breast tissue left so no cancer! With two drain tubes still in and multiple slices, including one from hipbone to hipbone,  there are so many limitations. I’m healing well, but it’s so slow.

My family, especially my husband, has taken great care of me and I’m lucky in so many ways.

That’s it in a nutshell.  Despite the long, tough recovery, I don’t regret it. The ends justify the means. 

Cancer, go straight back to hell! We beat you!